“I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.”
Thomas Paine
As you grasp for your dream to come true, but it slips away like sand through your fingers. You desire a particular outcome; instead, you stare as the light fades into the night. Questions form in your mind of “what is the point?”, “am I not good enough?”, “am I cursed to be a failure?”, “is loneliness my reward?”, “will I ever matter to anyone?”. These thoughts are burdensome when you have applied deep soul searching to overcome damaging behaviors and made great efforts to be a man of virtue.
These are some thoughts that have come to my mind recently, and I wonder why it matters. For myself, I have done immense damage to the heart and souls of those who have been closest to me. The one who has received the most trauma is my wife. She now stands at the exit door pushed open with one foot out. She doesn’t know if she could give trust again to me.
Will she take me back again?
I have applied effort to find and fix the broken pieces in me to become a healthy man who can bring integrity to those in my life. I am aware that I will never be perfect in my behavior, but I now have the tools and skills to understand my shortcomings and see what my emotions are telling me. My motive to improve is for myself but hoping that my wife will join me once again. A relationship with her is my dream and desire. What if it doesn’t happen?
Here is my plan I want to share with you for encouragement and to find direction. You and I are not alone in this world. Facing life separated from that one person you desire an intimate relationship with creates fear and panic. In a previous blog, “Setting a New Course,” I mention that we need to have other brothers be a part of our journey. It has been profound blessings to have men I can turn to for a shoulder to lean on and to listen to my heart. Build those connections with those men so they can be your brothers in your journey.
“Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.”
Red Green
Know the hope that is in you. Hope is the driving force that keeps you and I moving towards the goal we desire for ourselves. In my days of uncertainty and fading light, I read my statement of what type I man I yearn to be. This helps reset my compass back onto the heading of my journey. If you have not written out the goals or directions you want for your life, today is a good start to give yourself that beacon to aim for. A heading creates purpose and provides hope, something to plant in.
Prepare to let go of the relationship you crave to be restored again. When I have held onto a relationship, I also hold onto control of it. With control, I have manipulated the actions of the other person to gain the outcome I want. I want to be in a relationship that the other person freely chooses to be with me. In their freedom of choosing me, I surrender my grasp on that relationship. I still express my hope and wishes for that relationship, but I do not steer the outcome.
By surrendering control, you will also shift towards a healthier version of yourself. When holding onto the desired relationship, you expend energy towards that person and away from yourself. As you try to keep that relationship in your grasp, your motives for change will become other person-centered, which facilitates false changes in yourself. Letting go enables you to wholly examine yourself to see the areas you can strengthen and improve in. You then are also able to be relaxed and more intuned to the person you are with.
I mentioned in the previous blog finding rest for your heart and soul is essential for our journey. When I seek rest, it comes in outdoor activities such as hiking, gardening, and paddling boarding. I had anxious thoughts and a pessimistic view of my wife the other day. I set out for an evening hike to help regain perspective and empathy. To be alone with my thoughts, increased heart rate, and fresh air, I came away with a centered and kind view of her. This has been a tremendous tool for many situations that I need perspective on.
Rest brings renewal to heart and soul
What activities in your life bring those troubled and ruminating thoughts back under a centered and compassionate view? Yoga, walking, writing, skiing, woodworking, painting, martial arts, reading, prayer, mediation. Explore your heart and mind to find those endeavors that bring a sense of claiming and insight into your life. These are not meant to distract or escape but to bring us into seeing our situations from a different angle.
Pursue outside resources that could help with the situation you face. There are a skillful amount of counselors available for you to find a fit that works well for you. I have used two different counselors to help meet what I needed for insight and healing. Look for books that explore what you are going through. Podcasts have been a resource for me as well for both education and relaxation. Does your church have resources or individuals for you to lean on?
You and I have a soul that needs to be tended to and fed. Take time to listen to the voice given to you, so you know how to best care for yourself. My most significant moments of reprieve come from abiding with my Creator. Drawing from the wisdom and strength provided for me to meet my needs at that moment. Being in conversation with the Spirit throughout the day gives me peace for whatever situation I face. Develop your own relationship with the Spirit so your soul can be fed.
- Find your compass bearing
- Surrender Control
- Build Support System
- Seek Outside Help
- Discover Rest
Overall be patient with yourself in this process. In a relationship, especially when it comes to profound hurt, answers come slowly. You will discover things about yourself that need time to improve and overcome. There will be moments of frustration and angst you have towards the person you desire to be with. Treat yourself and your significant other with kindness, empathy, and patience. We are all worthy of love.
What does this all mean? Where does this lead you and I at the end of the day? If the relationship we dream of and desire to have fails to come to fruition, you and I will still be the men we desire to be. We will continue to grow and move towards that goal and heal from the loss of our dream. It will hurt, and we will mourn, but it will not break us. We are men of integrity and strength that bring forth hope and light into our worlds.
We are meant for authentic and vibrant connections with other people. You and I are responsible for ourselves to be those men who can create those types of relationships. It starts first within us then expands to those around us. Be courageous as you work towards the man you are designed to be. May you have joy and light in your journey.
Rebuilding the Heart of Man 