“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

George Bernard Shaw

Remember those days as a kid when you would awake a new day for adventures to behold. The warm sun upon your face, fresh wind in the air, cool creeks, and the endless wonder of the woods. Then as if time-shifted, it was nightfall and time to return home. Those days were full of wonder, excitement, beauty, and joy. Being in play brought energy to your young heart that gave pleasure you remember fondly to this day. Play is an essential part of life no matter your age because it brings us back to our hearts and who we are created to be.

I had lost my desire for play and I needed to find it again. This essential part of my life faded away to new responsibilities of jobs, relationships, injuries to the heart, and even the stigma of being an adult. As I lost this ability to play, I also lost my connection to my heart and soul. There wasn’t restoration or delight being poured back into me, which I yearned for in life’s more challenging times. My well to draw from when my soul’s thirsted for renewal dried in neglect.

During my search for play I learned the most intuitive meaning of play is a concentrated time of deep satisfaction that opens up for a level of restoration. It’s time set aside to bathe in an activity that brings delight and renewal to heart, mind, and soul. Not only restoring but also it brings rest with it. It’s that sweet remembrance of doing something mindful that brings warmth to your innermost being. This is the essence of what play should be for us.

Meaningful play should be planned. For me, play is hiking and entwining in the beauty of creation. Last month, I went on a four-night hike, and there was a wonder, deep gratitude, and joy in experiencing the wilderness alone. The anticipation while studying the maps, getting the gear together, and reading other hike reports was a delight, which caused excitement to surge up in me. Allow time for your heart to look forward to being restored and reflect on previous times of play that brought rest.

Play should be a profoundly captivating event that speaks to your created self. Hiking is my play that brings delight and replenishes my well to draw on later. When my grandfather partook in play, it was in the woodshop basking in sawdust and creating beautiful woodworking pieces. What is yours? What instills joy and restoration for your heart and soul? What do you look forward to doing that could be shared with excitement to others?

When at play, you should feel the sense of time being lost. While hiking, time ebbs away from me just as the wind wanders through the trees. Play should feel disconnected from the outside elements of stress and pressure and summons us into being present with the process of restoration. You planned for this time of invitation to care for yourself and be mindful of the moment. Be wrapped in the experience of being in the beauty of play. Lose yourself in the moment.

Feel the your heart fill with delight

During play, you and I should be purposeful in obtaining restoration, reflection, depth, and rest. Restoration brings our worn and tired pieces refreshment that brings joy back to life. My correlation of restoration is my tired, weary feet being immersed into a cold mountain creek after many miles of hiking. Chill and invigoration of the crisp water release the tension and dirt giving a newness to my feet. Another way of seeing restoration is the first soaking rain in a land dry and depleted from the summer sweltering heat.

One of my more challenging areas to grow in is self-reflection. To look within me and know why I act, who I am and what really matters. It has been scary, insightful, and liberating to know who I am as a man. Play helps develop and mature this skill to have a standard to meet and a goal to obtain. Engage with the reflection of self as part of play to remind you of your worth and merit. Get to know your heart and what brings light to your eyes.

Beauty is intense, deep, profound, rich, and complex that can be found in any corner of our lives. Being in play opens our eyes to see the intricate beauty that unfolds around us every day. Hiking has given me deep gratitude towards the healing process of life. Taking in all the awe and wonder of creation that works together rhythmically. Seeing how the ant moves across the trail, birds soar in the air, and the streams trickle down a mountain. I am deeply grateful to be a part of that rhythm.

We are built for connection

While we play, it isn’t always done alone; it is also yearning for connection with relationships. We invite others to enjoy participation in play to enhance those connections and find joy. Sharing in the play allows you to see another person’s soul light up with the delight of the experience as you see them being restored. This deepens the effects of play and causes warmth and depth in the relationship. Together we can then draw from this time later to bring light and healing when life becomes heavier.

We are made with beauty, strength, and delight. Play is to capture those elements and remind us of what we care for and desire. There is strive in our lives that depletes the inner strength of our soul. We are made for more than what hurts us or casts shadows in our lives. Play invites us to know what is worth fighting for and have the depth to engage. It captivates our heart and soul for a richer and a beautiful strength for our lives.

I challenge you, my brothers, to engage in discovering your form of play. Find the strength that gives you inspiration for the day, courage to face your fears, and joy that brings delight to those turbulent days. Being a man of fortitude involves care of yourself, so you can have the endurance to tend to those closest to you. If you are a father, then rise up and fight to be that man you desire for your children to have in their lives. It doesn’t matter where your kids are; they are worth you being the best father they need you to be. Our children need depth of character, integrity, and courage to face the darkest side of us.

I am strong because I’ve been weak. I am fearless because I’ve been afraid. I am wise because I’ve been foolish.

Unknown

Our world needs men to be protectors, warriors against the heinous enemy, tender caregivers, the highest integrity, lights in the darkest night, and courage to stand up for the meek. For us men to be such examples, we first must face ourselves and have the courage to shed the fear that holds us back. Finding ourselves through meaningful play is one facet we can begin to behave in the way we are created. Your courage to engage in play will be beneficial for you and influential for those lives connected to yours. Go and fight for yourself.

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“I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.”

Thomas Paine

As you grasp for your dream to come true, but it slips away like sand through your fingers. You desire a particular outcome; instead, you stare as the light fades into the night. Questions form in your mind of “what is the point?”, “am I not good enough?”, “am I cursed to be a failure?”, “is loneliness my reward?”, “will I ever matter to anyone?”. These thoughts are burdensome when you have applied deep soul searching to overcome damaging behaviors and made great efforts to be a man of virtue.

These are some thoughts that have come to my mind recently, and I wonder why it matters. For myself, I have done immense damage to the heart and souls of those who have been closest to me. The one who has received the most trauma is my wife. She now stands at the exit door pushed open with one foot out. She doesn’t know if she could give trust again to me.

Will she take me back again?

I have applied effort to find and fix the broken pieces in me to become a healthy man who can bring integrity to those in my life. I am aware that I will never be perfect in my behavior, but I now have the tools and skills to understand my shortcomings and see what my emotions are telling me. My motive to improve is for myself but hoping that my wife will join me once again. A relationship with her is my dream and desire. What if it doesn’t happen?

Here is my plan I want to share with you for encouragement and to find direction. You and I are not alone in this world. Facing life separated from that one person you desire an intimate relationship with creates fear and panic. In a previous blog, “Setting a New Course,” I mention that we need to have other brothers be a part of our journey. It has been profound blessings to have men I can turn to for a shoulder to lean on and to listen to my heart. Build those connections with those men so they can be your brothers in your journey.

“Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.”

Red Green

Know the hope that is in you. Hope is the driving force that keeps you and I moving towards the goal we desire for ourselves. In my days of uncertainty and fading light, I read my statement of what type I man I yearn to be. This helps reset my compass back onto the heading of my journey. If you have not written out the goals or directions you want for your life, today is a good start to give yourself that beacon to aim for. A heading creates purpose and provides hope, something to plant in.

Prepare to let go of the relationship you crave to be restored again. When I have held onto a relationship, I also hold onto control of it. With control, I have manipulated the actions of the other person to gain the outcome I want. I want to be in a relationship that the other person freely chooses to be with me. In their freedom of choosing me, I surrender my grasp on that relationship. I still express my hope and wishes for that relationship, but I do not steer the outcome.

By surrendering control, you will also shift towards a healthier version of yourself. When holding onto the desired relationship, you expend energy towards that person and away from yourself. As you try to keep that relationship in your grasp, your motives for change will become other person-centered, which facilitates false changes in yourself. Letting go enables you to wholly examine yourself to see the areas you can strengthen and improve in. You then are also able to be relaxed and more intuned to the person you are with.

I mentioned in the previous blog finding rest for your heart and soul is essential for our journey. When I seek rest, it comes in outdoor activities such as hiking, gardening, and paddling boarding. I had anxious thoughts and a pessimistic view of my wife the other day. I set out for an evening hike to help regain perspective and empathy. To be alone with my thoughts, increased heart rate, and fresh air, I came away with a centered and kind view of her. This has been a tremendous tool for many situations that I need perspective on.

Rest brings renewal to heart and soul

What activities in your life bring those troubled and ruminating thoughts back under a centered and compassionate view? Yoga, walking, writing, skiing, woodworking, painting, martial arts, reading, prayer, mediation. Explore your heart and mind to find those endeavors that bring a sense of claiming and insight into your life. These are not meant to distract or escape but to bring us into seeing our situations from a different angle.

Pursue outside resources that could help with the situation you face. There are a skillful amount of counselors available for you to find a fit that works well for you. I have used two different counselors to help meet what I needed for insight and healing. Look for books that explore what you are going through. Podcasts have been a resource for me as well for both education and relaxation. Does your church have resources or individuals for you to lean on?

You and I have a soul that needs to be tended to and fed. Take time to listen to the voice given to you, so you know how to best care for yourself. My most significant moments of reprieve come from abiding with my Creator. Drawing from the wisdom and strength provided for me to meet my needs at that moment. Being in conversation with the Spirit throughout the day gives me peace for whatever situation I face. Develop your own relationship with the Spirit so your soul can be fed.

• Find your compass bearing
• Surrender Control
• Build Support System
• Seek Outside Help
• Discover Rest

Overall be patient with yourself in this process. In a relationship, especially when it comes to profound hurt, answers come slowly. You will discover things about yourself that need time to improve and overcome. There will be moments of frustration and angst you have towards the person you desire to be with. Treat yourself and your significant other with kindness, empathy, and patience. We are all worthy of love.

What does this all mean? Where does this lead you and I at the end of the day? If the relationship we dream of and desire to have fails to come to fruition, you and I will still be the men we desire to be. We will continue to grow and move towards that goal and heal from the loss of our dream. It will hurt, and we will mourn, but it will not break us. We are men of integrity and strength that bring forth hope and light into our worlds.

We are meant for authentic and vibrant connections with other people. You and I are responsible for ourselves to be those men who can create those types of relationships. It starts first within us then expands to those around us. Be courageous as you work towards the man you are designed to be. May you have joy and light in your journey.

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” Rest when you’re weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work.”

Ralph Marston

I struggled writing this blog to find the right words to convey my thoughts and express my heart. This blog has not been an exercise of restfulness; instead, filled with self-imposed expectations and pressures. So I will stop fighting for the content and let rest and peace flow through my writing. May you find rest within as well.

We all have busy lives, tough struggles, deadlines, requirements, and commitments we face every day or even every moment. These burden us down and drain the light from our hearts and souls. Often we lay our heads down to sleep and wonder where the strength for tomorrow will come. We need rest.

When should we take time to rest and renew ourselves? When you have angst and anxiety. Your heart is troubled by something in your life. You become grumpy with those close to you and snapping at them. When you feel tired and weary all the time, these are some of the indicators that you need to stop and find rest for yourself. Taking time to let go of circumstances and find renewal. 

Sitting in front of a television show all day is sedating. Drinking our sorrows numb is escaping. Getting entangled up on projects is avoiding. 

Rest is a purposeful plan to bring light and renewing to your heart and spirit. Rest is intentional. What brings joy and pleasure to your soul? What is your soul food?

• Rest the Body
• Renew your Mind
• Replenish the Heart
• Revive your Spirit

When I seek rest, it is in several activities, and it depends on my emotions which direction I choose. Give me a worthy solo hike, and my heart becomes lightened, and joy returns. Time in the garden feeling the dirt under my feet and tending to the plants, centers me. Paddling out in the water washes away the stink from my spirit and brings newness to my mind. Sitting in silence, being grateful for the many blessings, gives my soul deep appreciation. 

If you have never taken a rest period and do not know where to start, begin with little moments. Take ten minutes to walk outside to enjoy the fresh air. Do you like to write? Scribble down some thoughts you have that you want to create something new. Rest should be things of little effort that bring a smile to your face.

Rest times should be variable and costume to fit where you are when you need the rest. If you are the type that needs structure, then plan for those rest periods. If you are similar to me, it depends on the time and place, be diligent in setting time apart for it. Rest can be a few minutes out of the day or even days at a time. What is best for you and your situation? 

“I will give you rest.”

Jesus

We can use rest to find a connection with someone. I was able to reconnect with an old friend again, which brought joy to my heart. We need those friendships and relationships to help shine light where we often forget to look. Something is renewing about coffee, lunch, or some activity shared. 

Rest is needed in our lives to bring our created self of body, mind, and spirit back in balance with its fantastic design. With a renewed freshness, our life lived will bring perspective, understanding, and peace. 

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

These last few weeks, heaviness has descended upon me and tested my fighting endurance. I have wanted to let the critic’s voices own my will and purpose so the arena can claim me as another victim. But I refused to let go of who I desire to be because my days are weary. Yet, through my purpose, I find the strength to reengage the fight, so my roots grow deep. In this season, I must strengthen my courage to become a strong man in will and character.

Life has seasons that ebb and flows with many emotions, which stir our heart, mind, and soul. During periods of celebration is where we seek rest and gratitude.

Enjoy the moments that feed your heart and soul

To savor the presence of our most cherished people as to watch in awe the sunset on a warm summer eve holding hands with our treasured love. To enjoy the coolness of the water, snowflakes tickling our noses, listening to others tell stories of adventure, and delight in the flavors of food.

Yet, we still stand as sentries for attacks that could come as a blindside, maintaining a fully connected life to those we love. These are the seasons we can hear our hearts truly sing.

Then there is that phone call, email, conversation, and moment that brings darkness, brokenness, grief, and heaviness to our lives. In these moments, we need to throw off all that encumbers and activate our inner warrior to embrace the difficulty of the season. We, me, you need to learn to fully engage in life even when it’s strenuous to crawl out of bed. To own our purpose and markers laid out before us gives us something to hold onto and anchor ourselves in such times.

It’s through the trials that we find depth of our will 

In this season of struggle, gratitude, peace, and vulnerability are mindsets we are to seek. In a grateful attitude, you begin to see these painful times as a process of personal growth. By experiencing peace to ground us even as the storm threatens to rip our lives apart. Being vulnerable enables us to seek the connection and strength of others to help carry our burden. In this wearisome and stormy season, we build resilience and find our grit.

As men who seek to find an authentic life, we must maintain a warrior perspective in every season we journey through. This perspective is preserved by having the hope and purpose that is our North Star. Fighting without cause or purpose will bring defeat and sedation to our life. What do you want for your life? Who is the man you desire to be? Start writing down your true heart desires that are part of your created self. Listen to your heart and voice to begin to discover who you are.

“A warrior has personal responsibility for their actions within themselves and towards others”

Being a warrior is about using your courage to keep on fighting for your heart and soul even when faced with tremendous odds. It’s about developing grit in the coldest and harshest circumstances. It’s also about being vulnerable to those closest people you love. To have strength under control to protect and honor those in your life. A warrior has personal responsibility for their actions within themselves and toward others. How you respond to those around you is your choice. You are ready to fight when needed and have discernment when to act.

Failure can be the greatest fear of a man. We have somehow believed the lie that our actions always produce positive results. If those results are lacking, then we don’t measure up to being enough. Fear then sets us back into sedation of what works for us. We can still produce and not fail, but it’s at a low quality of life. You stay in jobs because the benefits are good, and you are miserable in your position. You don’t learn a new skill set because you are fearful that it won’t work out. It’s easier to stay in your comfort zone and make excuses than expand and grow.

“Do not judge me by my successes; judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”

Nelson Mandela

You must be willing to step out and try even when faced with the possibility of failure. If you do fail, then you have a decision of staying down or getting back up. My failures have given me opportunities to examine why I failed and learn from them. There have been consequences to my failures that have made my journey more difficult. It is through this struggle that you gain strength and fortitude to continue in the fight. But through these practices, I can be the man I am writing this blog.

We cannot do this on our own; we need others to help refine and challenge us. You can shadowbox all day and win every time, but developing growth happens with another person. Stepping inside the ring and sparing with a brother is how you learn your blind spots and weaknesses. Your strength will only take you so far, it’s having connections to others that take you to a higher level, and then there’s the spiritual.

My completeness comes from being attached to the vine of my Creator. I need to draw from the endless pool of strength, wisdom, and love bestowed on me. Because I have a divine nature, my fullness comes from being connected to my Redeemer and responding to the Spirit. Without this, my life is only partly expressed and fulfilled. It’s through the Creator and in the Sustainer, I am fully known and loved. No matter what may happen in my life, I have peace with the Spirit. I am loved, cared for, and cherished.

Reading this makes it seem easy and logical to replicate in your life. Walking my journey has given me some of the richest and most profound experiences in my life, which cannot be fully expressed in written form. It has been some of the most laborious work I have done. Choosing to be a man of integrity and authenticness requires a commitment to fighting for your purpose and a willingness to get back into the arena after failures. This blog is to help encourage you to walk your journey before you and know your story. We are never alone in our life and have others around us to bring encouragement and support. You have a life worth fighting for, which can shine as a beacon of purpose and hope for others.

“I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply all my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.”

Og Mandino

Having a purpose and goals to mark your journey will keep the light of hope alive on those dark and cold days. 

As I talked about hope being alive in us, it needs a purpose to build upon to remain active and grow. Purpose defines the steps we take towards our created design and being men that are authentic to the world around us. You and I must have goals and markers laying out ahead of us to be successful in renovating our lives. Idle minds and hearts erode the soul.

Each of us was created with an instinct to do something with ourselves, to have meaning and purpose. In our life journey, we decided to succumb to a version of sedation that numbed our drive to flourish. By doing so, our sedation leads to a loss of directional control within our lives. We became a cork in the tumultuous sea of life blown around by a wind that drives us away from our created purpose. We can set our rudder back in the water and use that wind to put us on course of who we genuinely are.

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”

Jimmy Dean

It can be overwhelming to figure out what you want your life to be if you have never stopped to consider what that is for you. Making goals is a process that will take time to develop and mature, be patient with yourself. There will be failures in the learning, so break those failures down and gain insight from them. Let’s look at some intentional ways to start creating goals in our lives.

1- Start small and simple.

One day, one thing to change one degree. Life changes don’t happen in a momentous giant event but minor effective changes. What is one little thing you can improve today?

2- Make it your own.

Read and learn from the works of others about goal setting. Use those as a foundation to create a custom plan that fits you. You are a unique person, and following what others do will not always complement and work for you. This is a part of discovering who you are. 

3- Remain flexible in your goals.

Part of renovating yourself is having set in stone standards that need to be a part of your foundation. Flexibility is another component of your life. If something is not working right or doesn’t fit with your life, then change those goals. It’s okay to change course as long as it moves towards an improved and healthy version of you. 

4- Tell others about your goals.

Our addictions and hidden behaviors thrived in secrecy, which led to the destruction of our lives. To strengthen the muscle of transparency, we need to tell others about our internal thoughts. Find another brother who knows your story and can see your life from a different angle. This perspective will help shine light and allow growth into our lives. 

A website and podcast developed by Noah B.E. Church, helped me start thinking and writing down what I wanted from my life. https://addictedtointernetporn.com/?p=764. Noah has a deep knowledge and experience of porn addiction recovery and brings a solid approach to living without porn. I have gleaned insight from him and even written my version of what I want from my life using his outline. You can use Noah’s outline for other addictions or shortcomings you struggle with in life. 

The most effective way you can make your goals and purposes a reality is to write them down. By doing so, will place a document in your possession that gives you responsibility to obtain. What you write as your purpose will become your motivation to attain. It will become your heartbeat that revives your soul into being the man you most long to be. You consciously decide to work towards your given destination. Meaning becomes alive inside of you, which you choose to take responsibility for. 

To work and have a purpose is our created design, so our lives will bring forth delight and fruit. The most challenging work we can engage in is ourselves. To strain under what it means to be you and build towards a more excellent version of yourself. This is work you alone are responsible for developing. 

"I am ready for my life to be rebuilt, I will not give up on myself, and I will do whatever it takes. No matter what lies before me or how long this journey may take, I will fight on because I am worth it."

Above are my last lines in the “Man I’m Meant to Be” a written statement from 2018. It has been a difficult journey with emotional and devasting losses and lessons learned. I welcome the discomfort and hard work, for it has produced a stronger, more mature man. It is from having a purpose and goals that have kept me moving forward towards a more excellent me. 

Being purposeful is also about community and having others around for support and guidance. I am grateful for a group of brothers that I can call on to fight along my side. They are my sounding board and encouragers that know my story and faults. Through them, many battles have been victorious, and wisdom gained. 

Most importantly is my spiritual life and drawing closer to my Creator. Without being connected to the Vine, my soul would have withered away and died. We all have a given spirit that needs to be fed and developed. That spirit is our voice and guide when we are alone in the cold darkness. Acknowledge your spirit and who gave it to you. I am deeply grateful for the work the Spirit has done in me.

Wherever you are at, no matter what you have done, you are not alone, and you are worthy of redemption. 

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