The First Step

Being Vulnerable Creates Connection

As I stand at the door of decision, there is a fear that washes over me which keeps my hand from turning the knob. I cannot go out there because of who I am. For I am a monster that devours the hearts of those close to me.

“What if” statements flood my thoughts and I withdraw my hand from the door. “What if” they reject you? “What if” you lose all connections? “What if” you hurt more people? “What if” I have no value to bring to the world because of my failures? My true place is in a cave far removed from others.

There is a hope which swells that brings strength into myself and I begin to open the door against the fear. I can be a light for someone else. I will no longer let my mistakes control my life. I lean into those fears, push open the door and take my first step towards freedom.

Oh the burden that fear piles on the hearts and souls of man. How can I ever achieve my design when I have failed so much in my life? Who will ever accept my words when I have caused so much destruction? Will I be loved and known in my brokenness?

These are questions that fear brings into my life, I deflect from them and hide within myself. I want love and connection but then I act in ways that cause heart break and create distance to those I desire. My natural desire is to sink within myself and run from my pain. I am better off hidden then known.

I must hide this behavior because people will reject me.

My first step into myself was at age twelve when a magazine of nude women stirred a desire and relief within me. It brought a moment of reprieve from my current feelings of unworthiness. Then shame came after the reprieve followed by fear. Shame for seeing beauty and using it for my own consumption. Fear that if someone discovers my actions then I will be an outcast from my community. I must hide this behavior because people will see my ugliness and turn away.

In my first step I learned to find escape from my own emotional pain and feelings. It felt good for a moment to experience those images and masturbate to them. A brief escape from the turmoil inside my heart and mind. I sought out images of nude women which then gave way to full engrossment into pornography. With it came increasing shame and fear that gave birth to lies that I accepted.

Do not let anyone know what you do because they will run away from you. You are dirty and disgusting for what you see and act on. Who could ever love you for who you are? You can fix this by yourself. What you do in secret will never affect the rest of your life. You are the only one who does this.

Those lies fed on my fears and kept me paralyzed in my own mire and self destruction. I was feeling stuck, hopeless, never being accepted, and loved in my wholeness. I must show them on the outside that I am worthy of value and love. On the inside I was killing my soul.

Pornography sets hooks in you with shame and fear.

Thus the cycle of staying hidden inside my pornography and masturbation. Emotions well up, I did not know how to navigate them, wanting to find relief so I consumed porn. Shame and fear come crashing down on me, I hid my actions so more emotions rose up inside of me. This is how pornography sets its hooks in you.

I chose this cycle for 28 years of my life. I chose to lie and deceive those who loved me, those who wanted me to be whole. The longer I stayed in escaping and using porn the deeper the hooks felt inside of me. The light of hope was fading from within me and I didn’t see a way out.

I tried in vain to use any other means to find relief from my addiction, to distract me from my darkness and bring freedom from those hooks on my heart. I avoided the demon on my back by placing a cover over it. I refused to save myself by ignoring my sins.

• Feeling Unworthy
• Hiding and Lying
• Darkness over Light
• Choosing to stay Secluded
• Fear of rejection and isolation

All these feelings weigh upon me when I chose to have fear and shame control my thoughts. This is where I stay when I do not allow people inside to see my deepest corners. I chose to be selfish over connection, destruction over wholeness, brokenness over healing.

I did not have the courage to bring forth my brokenness and darkness into the light. My wife saw the cracks forming in my story of lies and began to pick at them. What exploded towards her sent her crashing from the pseudo mountain that she once stood upon. She became the latest victim on my path of internal self destruction which radiated out of me.

My hiding and lying from porn came crashing out into the light. I had a choice to make, sweep it back into the dark or finally start being honest about myself.

There is hope.

What you read now is my first step in shedding light into my darkest corners to tell you redemption is possible. This is my story that I want to share with you because there is hope and light. We are designed to bring strength and influence to our world.

I have lost a lot in these last three years since D-Day occurred but hope and healing are alive in me. My desire is to speak of my experiences in my journey that has brought me to here. To tell of victories and failures which brings me towards healing and my journey to being the man I am created to be.